"Grey eggs?! - is that an Arab custom?"

..or alternatively, "Sell-by dates - part 2"

ok so for some bizarre reason, I took it into my head last night that I needed a bit of a tan. Having decided against using the old cancer-beds with the promise of skin as smooth as leather in later life, I opted to fake it. And me being me, of course had to use the supposed best - St Tropez.

Me being me, also decided all this at 11pm when it was too late to go out and get some but hurrah! what luck, I found a whole 3-step kit in a drawer in my bathroom. What I didn't realize until all my skin turned GREY, was just how long it had been in my bathroom drawer! So its been a few years since I last used said St Tropez Step3 tanning mousse. I couldn't see an expiry date on it. Perhaps when the first few pumps came out gritty, I should have been more self aware?.. and perhaps I just carried on smearing grey mousse all over my face and body.

I looked in the mirror to admire my streak-free handy work only to see the Spitting Image puppet of John Major looking back at me, well except he didn't have black hands. At this point, only mild panic set in.. I tried to scrub my hands.. no change... medium panic now... I tried with exfoliator to scrub my hands... no change.... now faced with the prospect of going to work looking like a Covent Garden mime artist posing as a statue, full-on max panic washed over me.. I leapt in a single bound into the shower with that "Noooooooooooo" noise that Oliver Hardy would made when a grand piano was hurtling downstairs heading directly for him!

I 'd guess I spent about 40-45 mins in the shower with the loofah........ then I decided to wash ;-) Another hour later, when I felt that seeing bone was perhaps an exfoliation too far, I dried off and faced the mirror again. Moderate success indeed. Now all I need is to cover my entire body in foundation for the next 10-12 days and I’ll be fine.

Note to self - throw away any bottle or tube in bathroom that still has price in old money on it!