Mind the gap! "between your ears!"

What part of "allow the passengers off the train first please" are you having trouble with you thick selfish morons? hmmm?

Is English your 2nd, 3rd or 9th Language?

Does "We can't actually get off while you are ramming your pram onto the carriage like its the last train out of hell!" resonate anywhere in that skull?

hmmm?

hmmmmmmm?

Now look, i've spilled my latte...

Chip & Pin

as in... you have a huge CHIP on your shoulder missy and I want to stick a PIN in your head!

This morning, in my usual meander to work via Starbucks (the new xmas seasonal menu is up so its egg-nog & gingerbread latte's galore!), I was pleased to see no queue.. In fact only one young woman in front of me.. OH what a false sence of security...

• She wanted to pay for a £1.85 coffee with Visa
• Didn't know her pin
• Wanted to know the calorific value of her skinny, soya, sugar free and probably by that point TASTE-free coffee so the manager was called to get his flipchart out!
• Then 7 minutes later!!!!!!! she went to the condiment bar behind her and added cinnamon, nutmeg, coco powder, chocolate sprinkles and SUGAR!!

She was THIS close to a "yer-but-no-but-yer-but" smack in the kisser!

SoI say to her and all the other dithering "Oh i'll just stop IN the ticket gate and have a rummage around for my Oyster card, now where is it.. must be in here somewhere, oh there's that lipstick I lost last year..." bitches..

• Have what you need before you get there
• Know your bloody pin number
• Perhaps carry ... oh dunno £2 in CASH!!

OH!,,,Now look.. my panini has gone cold

"Balls! Mr Bennet"

Ok this morning at my tube station I saw a pair of bollocks collecting money

...or rather I saw an attractive pair of male legs with a testicle costume from the waist up.

Whilst I completely support the testicular cancer charity and their ingenious methods of raising funds; i'm not sure if I was more disturbed at liking the great pair of legs from the waist down, or fear at the giant set of hairy nads with a big smiley face on the top half.

Needless to say I emptied my wallet into his bucket (Tourette - don't even go there!), more in awe of the underlying human's bravery, than the clever, if rather scary fundraising concept.

I can now rest easy knowing that seeing a huge pair of hairy balls on the underground is ticked off my list of "things to see before I die"

Today i have a headache

I also have 1 nerve left and whoever stands on it is gonna get a kick in the C@nt.....

Something for the weekend sir?

Ok, i'm all for 3-for-2 offers in Boots.

I'm particularly all for them when its something that i'll use

Those of you who know me, know i like the better things in life and this applies just as much to "occasional wear" as anything else.

However, i'm somewhat less keen when i pick up a 3-for-2 on Avanti condoms and when handing them over to the woman at the till, she slightly (but not enough to cause a scene) raises one eyebrow, leaving you wondering.....

"is she thinking, Stud..... or Slut"? hmmm

Bitch!

So how was your weekend?

Oh it was great, thanks for asking... I developed a conjunctivitus type thing in my eye.. or was it Chlamydia?.. begins with "C" anyway...

So there I am waking up like Snow White on Friday morning, sun shining, birds twittering and I suddenly have a sensation something is wrong... oh yes - look in the mirror and there is John Merrick's less attractive brother staring right back at me... fabulous!!

So I get to work having disguised myself with dark glasses and a head scarf - not a good look for me... Then its drops in one eye every 2 hours, antibiotics 4 times a day... I'm a very busy person - I don't have time for all this nonsense! tut!

There is nothing worse than looking red-bug-eyed, pale & unshaven.. which reminds me, where did i leave my new Charlotte Church CD? ... dammit

What a f@ckin Liberty!

Ok to quote Mrs (grandma) Taylor from the Catherine Tate show, I am “fuckin raging”

What has this bloody city come to?.. Its transport system is shite!

Shite I tell you!.. not shit… SHITE! (the full 5 letters with Scottish accent).. SHITE!

Yesterday I woke up to my usual text message “Severe delays on the Northern line due to whatever daily random excuse we decide to pick”… nothing out of the ordinary so far.

This was followed by a “Severe delays on the Jubilee line due to a passenger taken ill on a faulty signal with late engineering works” or some other bollox.

Ok at the moment, now both parts of my journey are screwed.. so I go to the gym and get the DLR to Bank after… Now I thought DLR stood for Docklands Light Railway; so it came as a bit of a shock to me to discover it actually stands for “Degraded Lego Railway”. It must have taken 25 mins to go ¼ of a mile, then only to be faced with the Misery line and its saga.

As if that wasn’t bad enough I left early to go to the dentist. I waited 18 minutes for a taxi at one of the busiest junctions in Islington… not a single b@stard cab with a light on. After getting there 20 mins late I then had to race back to Canary Wharf to meet Charlie and pick up groceries from Waitrose..

Yet another cab inched along London’s grid-locked roads. I eventually abandoned it at Tower Gateway and took another degraded toytown train to Canary Wharf. Don’t’ they realize that if I was late I’d find Charlie in Jones the bootmakes with 48 pairs of shoes boxed up and ready to pay for!..

So aside from a lovely evening with Ms Thang and two gorgeous South Africans, yesterday was a right-off..

After 18 years in this “glorious” city, I am finally coming to the realization that it’s a frickin DUMP and I’m over it and its shitty transport system!

The End.. Grrr

3 Simons and a PS2

At the weekend I was invited to the country for a dinner party with some existing friends and to meet some new ones. It was all very civilised to begin with. Six men all eating a lovely dinner, putting the world to rights, each one making their mark with one poignant topic after another.

After dinner, one brave soul suggested that we perhaps play SingStar on the PS2. This was swiftly muted with various grumblings of

“Oh good lord no”

or

“Oh I can’t sing – please don’t make me sing”.

Even a

“Under no circumstances am I singing. I am tone deaf!”.


Add some wine

Add some more wine

Cut to 2 hours later and the very same 6 men are now screeching, wrestling microphones from each other hands with the conversation now having become

“Its my turn, give me that”

“What’s the point you can’t sing”

“How rude, I haven’t had a go in ages”

“I thought you were tone deaf!”


Hmm no surprises there then!