The bitch is back...

Oh how I have missed being here... Yes the warm sun and endless lazing in it were fine. The fact I came back like the colour of the love child of David Dickenson & Judith Chalmers is a slight blessing given that I think I was Blue, let alone pale, before I left.

However i'm so glad i'm back...

More blog-ettes as they come to me during reflection...

Now i'm back at work, it SO gets in the way of my creative juices... pfft!

Mind the gap! "between your ears!"

What part of "allow the passengers off the train first please" are you having trouble with you thick selfish morons? hmmm?

Is English your 2nd, 3rd or 9th Language?

Does "We can't actually get off while you are ramming your pram onto the carriage like its the last train out of hell!" resonate anywhere in that skull?

hmmm?

hmmmmmmm?

Now look, i've spilled my latte...

Chip & Pin

as in... you have a huge CHIP on your shoulder missy and I want to stick a PIN in your head!

This morning, in my usual meander to work via Starbucks (the new xmas seasonal menu is up so its egg-nog & gingerbread latte's galore!), I was pleased to see no queue.. In fact only one young woman in front of me.. OH what a false sence of security...

• She wanted to pay for a £1.85 coffee with Visa
• Didn't know her pin
• Wanted to know the calorific value of her skinny, soya, sugar free and probably by that point TASTE-free coffee so the manager was called to get his flipchart out!
• Then 7 minutes later!!!!!!! she went to the condiment bar behind her and added cinnamon, nutmeg, coco powder, chocolate sprinkles and SUGAR!!

She was THIS close to a "yer-but-no-but-yer-but" smack in the kisser!

SoI say to her and all the other dithering "Oh i'll just stop IN the ticket gate and have a rummage around for my Oyster card, now where is it.. must be in here somewhere, oh there's that lipstick I lost last year..." bitches..

• Have what you need before you get there
• Know your bloody pin number
• Perhaps carry ... oh dunno £2 in CASH!!

OH!,,,Now look.. my panini has gone cold

"Balls! Mr Bennet"

Ok this morning at my tube station I saw a pair of bollocks collecting money

...or rather I saw an attractive pair of male legs with a testicle costume from the waist up.

Whilst I completely support the testicular cancer charity and their ingenious methods of raising funds; i'm not sure if I was more disturbed at liking the great pair of legs from the waist down, or fear at the giant set of hairy nads with a big smiley face on the top half.

Needless to say I emptied my wallet into his bucket (Tourette - don't even go there!), more in awe of the underlying human's bravery, than the clever, if rather scary fundraising concept.

I can now rest easy knowing that seeing a huge pair of hairy balls on the underground is ticked off my list of "things to see before I die"

Today i have a headache

I also have 1 nerve left and whoever stands on it is gonna get a kick in the C@nt.....

Something for the weekend sir?

Ok, i'm all for 3-for-2 offers in Boots.

I'm particularly all for them when its something that i'll use

Those of you who know me, know i like the better things in life and this applies just as much to "occasional wear" as anything else.

However, i'm somewhat less keen when i pick up a 3-for-2 on Avanti condoms and when handing them over to the woman at the till, she slightly (but not enough to cause a scene) raises one eyebrow, leaving you wondering.....

"is she thinking, Stud..... or Slut"? hmmm

Bitch!

So how was your weekend?

Oh it was great, thanks for asking... I developed a conjunctivitus type thing in my eye.. or was it Chlamydia?.. begins with "C" anyway...

So there I am waking up like Snow White on Friday morning, sun shining, birds twittering and I suddenly have a sensation something is wrong... oh yes - look in the mirror and there is John Merrick's less attractive brother staring right back at me... fabulous!!

So I get to work having disguised myself with dark glasses and a head scarf - not a good look for me... Then its drops in one eye every 2 hours, antibiotics 4 times a day... I'm a very busy person - I don't have time for all this nonsense! tut!

There is nothing worse than looking red-bug-eyed, pale & unshaven.. which reminds me, where did i leave my new Charlotte Church CD? ... dammit

What a f@ckin Liberty!

Ok to quote Mrs (grandma) Taylor from the Catherine Tate show, I am “fuckin raging”

What has this bloody city come to?.. Its transport system is shite!

Shite I tell you!.. not shit… SHITE! (the full 5 letters with Scottish accent).. SHITE!

Yesterday I woke up to my usual text message “Severe delays on the Northern line due to whatever daily random excuse we decide to pick”… nothing out of the ordinary so far.

This was followed by a “Severe delays on the Jubilee line due to a passenger taken ill on a faulty signal with late engineering works” or some other bollox.

Ok at the moment, now both parts of my journey are screwed.. so I go to the gym and get the DLR to Bank after… Now I thought DLR stood for Docklands Light Railway; so it came as a bit of a shock to me to discover it actually stands for “Degraded Lego Railway”. It must have taken 25 mins to go ¼ of a mile, then only to be faced with the Misery line and its saga.

As if that wasn’t bad enough I left early to go to the dentist. I waited 18 minutes for a taxi at one of the busiest junctions in Islington… not a single b@stard cab with a light on. After getting there 20 mins late I then had to race back to Canary Wharf to meet Charlie and pick up groceries from Waitrose..

Yet another cab inched along London’s grid-locked roads. I eventually abandoned it at Tower Gateway and took another degraded toytown train to Canary Wharf. Don’t’ they realize that if I was late I’d find Charlie in Jones the bootmakes with 48 pairs of shoes boxed up and ready to pay for!..

So aside from a lovely evening with Ms Thang and two gorgeous South Africans, yesterday was a right-off..

After 18 years in this “glorious” city, I am finally coming to the realization that it’s a frickin DUMP and I’m over it and its shitty transport system!

The End.. Grrr

3 Simons and a PS2

At the weekend I was invited to the country for a dinner party with some existing friends and to meet some new ones. It was all very civilised to begin with. Six men all eating a lovely dinner, putting the world to rights, each one making their mark with one poignant topic after another.

After dinner, one brave soul suggested that we perhaps play SingStar on the PS2. This was swiftly muted with various grumblings of

“Oh good lord no”

or

“Oh I can’t sing – please don’t make me sing”.

Even a

“Under no circumstances am I singing. I am tone deaf!”.


Add some wine

Add some more wine

Cut to 2 hours later and the very same 6 men are now screeching, wrestling microphones from each other hands with the conversation now having become

“Its my turn, give me that”

“What’s the point you can’t sing”

“How rude, I haven’t had a go in ages”

“I thought you were tone deaf!”


Hmm no surprises there then!

May i stick my finger through your hole?

This morning i boarded a tube as usual. I was still quite asleep.

The doors closed, I looked up and I could see a rather non descript woman reading a Metro

What disturbed me most was that this woman was BEHIND the man immediately in front of me.

Why could I see this woman?

I was looking through the hole in the man's ear made by one of those ridiculous ear-ring things that are as big as napkin rings /cockrings (delete as apt) and I found myself frozen to the spot.

I could not continue the journey in that carriage. If I had stayed on, I would have projectile vomited through the hoop and onto the Metro of the woman behind.

Honestly, I know I come across as a bit conservative sometimes but please....

Still, I suppose I could have hung my dry-cleaning on it rather than carry it...

Every Little Helps....

Ok, I'm not going to dare set myself up for the fall that is "why buy designer clothes"? - I'm not that stupid and without my "always right" dear friend Ashley to back me up, I know I'd get flustered and lose anyway..

BUT!!

This morning on my way to work, I saw a man with his son, walking towards the tube station. In true "Son & dad" manner, the dad being cool, had his sweater over his back with the arms draped round his neck and I could see the label.

The label was this...

Yes, next time I am in Tesco, I can pick up a Tesco Finest Soft cheese & salmon Terrine lunch selection and a sweater at the same time...

Every little helps!.........................................yeah right!

Ewww my PC must be broken

My spell checker didn't have the word "Prada" in its dictionary.

"IT SUPPORT!, i need a new pc!"


oh shit, i am IT support


bugger

Blogging at 30,000 feet

Its just gone 11:20pm. As I write this I am at 30,000 feet. Should land in about 45 mins.

What a 4 days. I think I've loaded up on brownie point with the parents, spent all my birthday money (and some) on Prada shoes, a shirt and some shorts. (oh how the comments will flow now)

Last time I was in Tenerife I was with Charlie and my ex. It felt odd but strangely calm without Michael there. No worrying when the next argument would happen.., or when he'd next sneak off for a cigarette, come back stinking of cheap Spanish fags, then lie to my face that he wasn't a smoker.... or praying that whatever came out of Charlie’s mouth next wouldn’t set him off on a sulk..... or perhaps.... hell, you get the idea

Only a matter of 7 weeks or so to go before I am back out again to surprise my grandmother for her birthday, although frankly the "get her to answer the door so I can surprise her" routine must even be wearing thin on her now…. Just coz she’s 80-ish doesn’t mean she has the memory span of a goldfish.

Oh well back to work tomorrow... Upload these Blogs... Dying to read Ashley's.. the man is a total undiscovered talent.

Hmm I think I will steal the in-flight safety card. Watch this space.. I see some re-working of it, hopefully to humours effect.

***UPDATE***

So we circled Gatwick for 40 mins, with a near switch to Stansted because of “poor visibility”. Fortunately we did land at Gatwick, then after abandoning waiting for the South-eastern train, the Gatwick Express took a little over an hour – Apparently the last one of the night gets held up with engineering works – little note for your travel planners there!

I got home at 3:30am!....

Guess how alert and smiley I am today ?

Row row row your boat.... (Gently over a large waterfall, if you don’t mind!!)

So it would seem after my prissy outburst yesterday that the gods have conspired to humble me…. (That or Tourette has been using his voodoo doll again)

Firstly, I was wrong about the ‘no bras before 7pm’ rule. Apparently its not a requirement at all, in fact the more free to swing and knock you over, the better. Honestly some of these women could have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time!

So, back to the revenge of the gods.. We went out for a simply divine dinner to celebrate my mum’s birthday. The restaurant was perfect.. Gazpahco, chateaubriand, crepe suzette and perfect red wine. Alas from that point onward it sort of went downhill..

As it was nearing midnight was we walked into town, one of the party decided it would be really good fun to drag us all into an IRISH ELVIS bar. Now I've nothing against the Irish (apart from the ones that speak like Jim McDonald from Corrie) and I could care less about Elvis, but the two together, combined with a pub where is was the law to chain smoke, have no air con and no ice made me feel as comfortable as a b@stard at a family reunion

I felt myself turning in Karen Walker – “Honey don’t touch me!”

Midnight came, my mother was dragged onto the stage while old Elvis O’Reilly sang ‘Falling in love with you’...how touching...

Having escaped that bar, we then got a cab to another one called Bananas…. yes you can tell by the name that this one is going to be classy... Sure enough it was a chip shop, kebab shop and bar combined into one, complete with outside plastic furniture.

At this point I lost the will to live and WALKED HOME...*

Someone remind me again why I am here and not living it up in London with Alex???????

PS in reference to today’s title, I am trying to have an afternoon nap and some neighbouring kid has a new toy which plays nursery tunes at the same volume as a fat-boy-slim concert. If I hear Merrily we roll along or Baa baa black sheep one more time, I'll swing for it!

* I don’t do walking. I especially don’t do walking up-hill. And I really really don’t do walking up very very steep hills in 80% humidity and 34 degrees centigrade!

TAXI !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heifers Tits & Fags (not to be confused with the Cher song)

So its my mums birthday on 18th Sept. This part of the year is always tricky. My good friend Alex has a birthday on the same day and its that age old decision, piss off your friend or piss off your mother. Written like that, its fairly easy to decide what to do (sorry mum), but on this occasion, I decided to fly out to Tenerife to surprise her.

Those of you know me well, know I don’t fly economy on anything over 4 hours, so thank GOD Tenerife is 4 hours 20 mins (phew) and boy was I glad I stuck to my guns on this flight.

There were 280 economy seats and 10 Club Europe on this little airbus. A 25 minute delay in departure gave me time to assess the passengers.

Instantly my eye was drawn to a 5ft, pot-bellied Chav bellowing at the top of his voice in an accent that would have made any Pearly King proud. “naaaah am at the ayypoowt, goiiin on me olidaays mate”. His 30 stone, ‘make up applied by cement mixer’ wife was hiding under her cardigan as the entire departure lounge were forcibly tuned in to this bellow.

Needless to say, the gate opened and I think I left carpet burns to be first down the air gate and onto the plane. We took off, curtain closed, hot towel applied…

Ahh Sanctuary.

But what’s this ??!!! One of Chavvy's friends, Ermentrude the Heifer, decides to come through aforementioned curtain to use our loo!. 10 passengers look at each other, at her (think Pat Butcher with double the makeup & Lt Uhuru earrings), then look at the stewardess who has her back to us whilst arranging some magazines.

There is a pause... Breath is held.... Its almost slow motion as she reaches for the door... Then like a bolt of lighting, “excuse me madam, bathrooms are at the rear of the aircraft”.. 10 collective sighs and 1 look of Eva Braun later, normality returns.

In no time at all we land and I am then confronted with the wall of smoke that is 'the Spanish'.. Thankfully with only hand luggage I can race past to the taxi rank and avoid most of it… Where else in the world can you go into a pharmacy and be served an asthma pump by a clinician with a lit cigar hanging out his trap??

I’m now laying by the pool and it seems since I was last here a law has been past forbidding women to wear a bra before 7pm.. I've never seen so many breasts in my life. Its like tit soup in the pool!

How rude

Poison Ivy

It would seem, sometimes that no matter how hard I try, I just manage to fuck it up!

Take last night for example. It was one of my dear friend's birthdays and we had arranged to go to The Ivy... that culinary delight which you are normally guaranteed to see such gems as Michael Winner next to you.

I'd been looking forward to it for weeks as the last time me and said friend had arranged to go, that went tits-up (as well)

Out of the blue I get an email the day before which when surmised, said, "I didn't confirm our table in time so they have released it"... almost in the tone of "oh well, how about Starburger instead?"

Oh no!.. I wasn't having any of that!... One email and a phone call later, aforementioned reservation was re-instated!

I bring this joyous news to birthday girl via email only to get a reply that says "I'm not dressed for The Ivy now, I'm not in the mood... besides one of my friends said she'll meet for a drink and she can't afford it anyway"..

ok, now I'm mildly annoyed... deep breath, count to 10... Yes ok it is her birthday and she should be the focus, but it was also mine a few days before and this was a joint event. I've suddenly gone from birthday friend to "The happy restaurant booker"

Anyway, long story short, the email exchange escalated into a row, culminating in me being called many things, none of which included the words "kind, generous, thoughtful", or "and I'll love the birthday cake you specially arranged"... The words "fucking ungrateful bitch" formed in my head but fortunately didn't make it past my mouth....

So there I am with 1 hour to go before the gastronomic pleasure that is my favorite restaurant... with no dining guest, a HUGE amount of angst and the prospect of a miserable evening ahead..

"calm down dear, its only a restaurant"

Birthday weekend

This weekend just gone I had.... a 55 minute full body massage, a Citrus Body Glow, Rasul Mud Chamber treatment, a Clarins facial, Thalassotherapy, as well as swimming, steaming and generally lolloping about in a new fluffy cotton robe..

On top of that, I was upgraded to a suite, had premiere therapists for every treatments and generally was treated like a...................................... King!

I turned 36 and went to Champneys, Forest Mere.. I didn't want to leave... There wasn't enough movable furniture in the suite to barricade the door...

I think I floated home

Its worth it.

Hello

Where am I?

(sigh...)

There was an old woman who swallowed a fly.......

Whether she dies or not is immaterial, I'm much more concerned with whether I will now

Having lambasted restaurants (and my own mother) for keeping products past their sell-by date, its clear to discover that perhaps I didn't fall far from that tree afterall..

I just had a glass of sugar free Ribena that I found at the back of a cupboard

Suddenly the colour has drained from my face as I stare first at my empty glass and secondly at this label on the back of the bottle.

Dis-service with attitude

I am not happy today.

I was very happy this morning.. up at 6 like a lark (or other lark-type thing that gets up early), in the pool by 6:45am, Waitrose smoothie bar by 8:15am and on my way home to pick up my work stuff and head in. Didn't go directly to work from gym today because urgent package was due to arrive at home.

What's this??! no package?.. no post... no "you may or may not have been out but we couldn't be arsed to carry the package to your door so here is a card to force you to drive to collect what is rightfully my job to deliver" card...

I ring my supplier.... "Oh we sent via D.H.L (now formally known as D.H.ell)

I check D.H.ell website. My internal package which had to travel from Lambeth to Canada Water (approx 2 miles) went on a 5 day trip via heathrow, still hasn't arrived, the driver has gone out on his rounds today with no mobile, no van printer, in fact no means of communication whatsoever. He will now try again to deliver while I am at work and probably not leave a card again.

so today I am angry... see... no humour in my tone at all..

What would my good friend Tourette say??.. oh I know

"Cunts! the lot of em!"

Good day

Grrr

Its not every day....

....that a 70 year old woman says to me "I'm just going to insert my finger in your anus"

Its even less frequent that I reply "Oh, go on then"

Yes, after years of being told I was "full of shit", I finally decided to take all this advice i'd heard and have a colonhydrotherapy session.

There is something altogether unsettling about laying on a bed in a powder blue paper gown, trying to protect one's modesty by holding the gown from flying up, yet not 15 inches further round, a hose is attached to you like something from The Borg.

I can't say it was utterly painless but the humiliation factor far outweighed any physical pain until eventually, there I was chattering away to this amazing woman who looked like she was in her late 40s, about life the universe and the fact she could see "I chew my food well".. oh dear - right back to the top of the embarrassing scale... and so it went on..... and on..... and on....

40 minutes later, i'm still laying there thinking that by now, my whole colon must have come out the pipe (well at least i'll be a few pounds lighter!)...

Then its over, as suddenly as it began. Not 30 minutes later, I am dressed, down Bond St, in Selfirdges and sitting at Yo Sushi, watching the conveyor belt going round and reflecting on what just happened..

My my... what an experience

I'm now left with only 2 decisions

1) Do I go back again in 8 weeks and continue this therapy
2) Do I risk allowing comments to this post for fear of the ensuing comedic responses brining down the Blogger servers

We shall see.......