Those of you know me well, know I don’t fly economy on anything over 4 hours, so thank GOD Tenerife is 4 hours 20 mins (phew) and boy was I glad I stuck to my guns on this flight.
There were 280 economy seats and 10 Club Europe on this little airbus. A 25 minute delay in departure gave me time to assess the passengers.
Instantly my eye was drawn to a 5ft, pot-bellied Chav bellowing at the top of his voice in an accent that would have made any Pearly King proud. “naaaah am at the ayypoowt, goiiin on me olidaays mate”. His 30 stone, ‘make up applied by cement mixer’ wife was hiding under her cardigan as the entire departure lounge were forcibly tuned in to this bellow.
Needless to say, the gate opened and I think I left carpet burns to be first down the air gate and onto the plane. We took off, curtain closed, hot towel applied…
Ahh Sanctuary.
But what’s this ??!!! One of Chavvy's friends, Ermentrude the Heifer, decides to come through aforementioned curtain to use our loo!. 10 passengers look at each other, at her (think Pat Butcher with double the makeup & Lt Uhuru earrings), then look at the stewardess who has her back to us whilst arranging some magazines.
There is a pause... Breath is held.... Its almost slow motion as she reaches for the door... Then like a bolt of lighting, “excuse me madam, bathrooms are at the rear of the aircraft”.. 10 collective sighs and 1 look of Eva Braun later, normality returns.
In no time at all we land and I am then confronted with the wall of smoke that is 'the Spanish'.. Thankfully with only hand luggage I can race past to the taxi rank and avoid most of it… Where else in the world can you go into a pharmacy and be served an asthma pump by a clinician with a lit cigar hanging out his trap??
I’m now laying by the pool and it seems since I was last here a law has been past forbidding women to wear a bra before 7pm.. I've never seen so many breasts in my life. Its like tit soup in the pool!
How rude
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