StarBuck$ customer service

Ok, so its the new year

Ok so like the rest of the population i should be on a detox or a diet

Ok perhaps a full-fat vanilla latte and muffin is not the wisest choice for late breakfast

And yes perhaps my own guilt made me ask for the two items somewhat more quietly than normal but did i really need the assistant to bellow at full volume "SORRY DID YOU SAY THE GOLDEN SYRUP MUFFIN?" in a tone that implied "Hey, the fat b*stard here hardly needs a muffin, eh guys?"

Jeez!.. i almost didn't enjoy it!

Personal Reflection....

As i write this at 30,000 feet on my way back to London, i realise, i'm not really sure how to start this BLOG. The last week or so has been euphoric & tragic all in the space of a few days. Having decided that I would spend Christmas in Scotland, It was a nice break I was looking forward as well, and with direct flights to Inverness fast approaching £420, I decided to fly from City Airport to Edinburgh, stay with an adorable friend who I hadn’t seen for years then we would drive the rest of the way. Not only was it a £300 saving but I really wanted to see this guy again after so long.

So LCY-EDI as its known airline wise was a good service. Arrived on-time & caught a cab into the heart of Edinburgh. Not only was my friend pleased to see me, but I was soon to discover there were unfinished issues between us from many years previous. Needless to say, the next 24 hours were amazing and I felt very comfortable being there with him.

Our drive the next day was pleasant. Nice BMW coupe, clear roads; that certain glint in both our eyes. I arrived in my home town & started to unpack.

My mobile rang. It was Jerry from Vancouver. I could tell something was wrong from the tone of his voice. With little or no warning (Jerry was always a ‘to the point’ Sort of guy)

“I am afraid Phil was one of the pilots in the helicopter crash on Wednesday – He is dead.”

Just like that, I felt my stomach tighten. I had to tell Jerry I would call him back. I hung up & I went onto the internet. Sure enough on the BBC Scotland news pages was the story in all its glory, complete with video & eye witness accounts.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/4555386.stm

Christmas was a nice experience with my family. Although this horrid incident barely left my thoughts for even an hour, I guess we carry on….

To think after so many years, after so much discussion, after a phone call in which much was disclosed, after a promise to meet in the new year…. All over….

I will miss you Philip ward….. Always…….

Life's lessons - #284

Its not often that I am bored... This is probably a good thing as I tend to "do" things..

Today's lesson and note-to-self is..

Do not "play" with Veet - especially without reading the directions first
Do not "play" with Veet - and assume you know better about how long to use it for
Do not "play" with Veet - ignoring the bold instruction about where NOT to put it!!

basically

Do not "play" with Veet!! Full Stop!

The smell of cumming

Yes I thought that may have got your attention you bunch of sick-os

I was, of course referring to the new fragrance and range of skincare products from that rather cheeky Scottish chappie, Alan Cumming. No, its not a joke. Have a look at http://www.cummingthefragrance.com/ if you don't believe me.

I particularly like the advert. Never has "Sebastian" looked less alluring but its a brave step to take. It certainly tops old Ruud Van Nistelrooy's "Ruud underwear"


I'm off to order "cumming in a bar".. well its a first for me.... using a cake bar of soap I mean.. god you people!!!

see!?

Job done... the bitch is back

Ok.. having been involved in a major project at work which seemed to afford me about 7 hours sleep in the last 2 months, the entity formerly known as "Next time I have a good idea to the partners of the firm, i'll keep my trap shut" is now drawing to a close, I have my life back.

It would seem both my readers missed me (ahem!). SO what's happened in my absence...

well it would seem...

1. my ex has a new b/f (well someone had to be first)
2. my cleaner still thinks that ALL garments regardless of fabric must be ironed on the "cleaning" setting of the iron - that's the one AFTER scortching
3. I have joined Orange and dumped Voda-fat-chance-of-making-this-call-buddy
4. I'm going home to Scotland for Christmas

Ho hum...

Things that annoy me: Volume 28

I know this is rather boring but why don't people ever peel off the thin plastic film that is used to protect electronic gadgets during shipping?

There was a guy on the tube this morning flashing off his new Motorola Razr and when he flipped it open there was still the film on the screen, looking all dog-eared & cloudy.. Wot a knob!

I feel i have an compulsion of almost "Monica Geller" proportions to remove said film from EVERYTHING i come near.

SO get a grip!.. its only a short stop from that to having polythene on all your furniture!!.. mmm classy ;-)

Too much sex can kill!

...So, there i am laying by the pool, listening to my iPod, when i saw a blatant sexual act, not 3 feet from me!..

Two dragon flies decided to get jiggy with it in mid air above the pool.. Clearly she was easy as she just flew upside down while getting her 5 second rogering... and in the true nature of men, once he emptied, he just flew off leaving the poor cow so exhausted she just fell into the swimming pool and lay there in the water, upside down.

Now despite having just sprayed myself with Clarins factor 15, i could just watch this helpless damsel in distress so of course just HAD to get in there are rescue her..

I left her sunbathing next to me while i carried on reading.. Can you believe it, the bitch just dried off, hovered and flew away.. not so much as a thank you..

bloody women! - all the same

I sometimes wonder why i bother...

....so on this lovely short break to the Canaries, and taking aside the fact that all my family bar myself & my mother seemed to be struck down with one form of illness or another, it really struck me how much of a snob i am..

I mean is it too much to ask when you go out to eat a nice dinner that the "restaurant" is not just some graveyard where all cheap plastic garden furniture goes to die!??.. too much to hope that there won't be a TV on a shelf and too much to expect not to find a nasty vertical fridge with packaged frozen deserts going round & round like cheap capodemonti!.. and to think i'd bothered to dress in Zegna!

The bitch is back...

Oh how I have missed being here... Yes the warm sun and endless lazing in it were fine. The fact I came back like the colour of the love child of David Dickenson & Judith Chalmers is a slight blessing given that I think I was Blue, let alone pale, before I left.

However i'm so glad i'm back...

More blog-ettes as they come to me during reflection...

Now i'm back at work, it SO gets in the way of my creative juices... pfft!

Mind the gap! "between your ears!"

What part of "allow the passengers off the train first please" are you having trouble with you thick selfish morons? hmmm?

Is English your 2nd, 3rd or 9th Language?

Does "We can't actually get off while you are ramming your pram onto the carriage like its the last train out of hell!" resonate anywhere in that skull?

hmmm?

hmmmmmmm?

Now look, i've spilled my latte...

Chip & Pin

as in... you have a huge CHIP on your shoulder missy and I want to stick a PIN in your head!

This morning, in my usual meander to work via Starbucks (the new xmas seasonal menu is up so its egg-nog & gingerbread latte's galore!), I was pleased to see no queue.. In fact only one young woman in front of me.. OH what a false sence of security...

• She wanted to pay for a £1.85 coffee with Visa
• Didn't know her pin
• Wanted to know the calorific value of her skinny, soya, sugar free and probably by that point TASTE-free coffee so the manager was called to get his flipchart out!
• Then 7 minutes later!!!!!!! she went to the condiment bar behind her and added cinnamon, nutmeg, coco powder, chocolate sprinkles and SUGAR!!

She was THIS close to a "yer-but-no-but-yer-but" smack in the kisser!

SoI say to her and all the other dithering "Oh i'll just stop IN the ticket gate and have a rummage around for my Oyster card, now where is it.. must be in here somewhere, oh there's that lipstick I lost last year..." bitches..

• Have what you need before you get there
• Know your bloody pin number
• Perhaps carry ... oh dunno £2 in CASH!!

OH!,,,Now look.. my panini has gone cold

"Balls! Mr Bennet"

Ok this morning at my tube station I saw a pair of bollocks collecting money

...or rather I saw an attractive pair of male legs with a testicle costume from the waist up.

Whilst I completely support the testicular cancer charity and their ingenious methods of raising funds; i'm not sure if I was more disturbed at liking the great pair of legs from the waist down, or fear at the giant set of hairy nads with a big smiley face on the top half.

Needless to say I emptied my wallet into his bucket (Tourette - don't even go there!), more in awe of the underlying human's bravery, than the clever, if rather scary fundraising concept.

I can now rest easy knowing that seeing a huge pair of hairy balls on the underground is ticked off my list of "things to see before I die"

Today i have a headache

I also have 1 nerve left and whoever stands on it is gonna get a kick in the C@nt.....

Something for the weekend sir?

Ok, i'm all for 3-for-2 offers in Boots.

I'm particularly all for them when its something that i'll use

Those of you who know me, know i like the better things in life and this applies just as much to "occasional wear" as anything else.

However, i'm somewhat less keen when i pick up a 3-for-2 on Avanti condoms and when handing them over to the woman at the till, she slightly (but not enough to cause a scene) raises one eyebrow, leaving you wondering.....

"is she thinking, Stud..... or Slut"? hmmm

Bitch!

So how was your weekend?

Oh it was great, thanks for asking... I developed a conjunctivitus type thing in my eye.. or was it Chlamydia?.. begins with "C" anyway...

So there I am waking up like Snow White on Friday morning, sun shining, birds twittering and I suddenly have a sensation something is wrong... oh yes - look in the mirror and there is John Merrick's less attractive brother staring right back at me... fabulous!!

So I get to work having disguised myself with dark glasses and a head scarf - not a good look for me... Then its drops in one eye every 2 hours, antibiotics 4 times a day... I'm a very busy person - I don't have time for all this nonsense! tut!

There is nothing worse than looking red-bug-eyed, pale & unshaven.. which reminds me, where did i leave my new Charlotte Church CD? ... dammit

What a f@ckin Liberty!

Ok to quote Mrs (grandma) Taylor from the Catherine Tate show, I am “fuckin raging”

What has this bloody city come to?.. Its transport system is shite!

Shite I tell you!.. not shit… SHITE! (the full 5 letters with Scottish accent).. SHITE!

Yesterday I woke up to my usual text message “Severe delays on the Northern line due to whatever daily random excuse we decide to pick”… nothing out of the ordinary so far.

This was followed by a “Severe delays on the Jubilee line due to a passenger taken ill on a faulty signal with late engineering works” or some other bollox.

Ok at the moment, now both parts of my journey are screwed.. so I go to the gym and get the DLR to Bank after… Now I thought DLR stood for Docklands Light Railway; so it came as a bit of a shock to me to discover it actually stands for “Degraded Lego Railway”. It must have taken 25 mins to go ¼ of a mile, then only to be faced with the Misery line and its saga.

As if that wasn’t bad enough I left early to go to the dentist. I waited 18 minutes for a taxi at one of the busiest junctions in Islington… not a single b@stard cab with a light on. After getting there 20 mins late I then had to race back to Canary Wharf to meet Charlie and pick up groceries from Waitrose..

Yet another cab inched along London’s grid-locked roads. I eventually abandoned it at Tower Gateway and took another degraded toytown train to Canary Wharf. Don’t’ they realize that if I was late I’d find Charlie in Jones the bootmakes with 48 pairs of shoes boxed up and ready to pay for!..

So aside from a lovely evening with Ms Thang and two gorgeous South Africans, yesterday was a right-off..

After 18 years in this “glorious” city, I am finally coming to the realization that it’s a frickin DUMP and I’m over it and its shitty transport system!

The End.. Grrr

3 Simons and a PS2

At the weekend I was invited to the country for a dinner party with some existing friends and to meet some new ones. It was all very civilised to begin with. Six men all eating a lovely dinner, putting the world to rights, each one making their mark with one poignant topic after another.

After dinner, one brave soul suggested that we perhaps play SingStar on the PS2. This was swiftly muted with various grumblings of

“Oh good lord no”

or

“Oh I can’t sing – please don’t make me sing”.

Even a

“Under no circumstances am I singing. I am tone deaf!”.


Add some wine

Add some more wine

Cut to 2 hours later and the very same 6 men are now screeching, wrestling microphones from each other hands with the conversation now having become

“Its my turn, give me that”

“What’s the point you can’t sing”

“How rude, I haven’t had a go in ages”

“I thought you were tone deaf!”


Hmm no surprises there then!

May i stick my finger through your hole?

This morning i boarded a tube as usual. I was still quite asleep.

The doors closed, I looked up and I could see a rather non descript woman reading a Metro

What disturbed me most was that this woman was BEHIND the man immediately in front of me.

Why could I see this woman?

I was looking through the hole in the man's ear made by one of those ridiculous ear-ring things that are as big as napkin rings /cockrings (delete as apt) and I found myself frozen to the spot.

I could not continue the journey in that carriage. If I had stayed on, I would have projectile vomited through the hoop and onto the Metro of the woman behind.

Honestly, I know I come across as a bit conservative sometimes but please....

Still, I suppose I could have hung my dry-cleaning on it rather than carry it...

Every Little Helps....

Ok, I'm not going to dare set myself up for the fall that is "why buy designer clothes"? - I'm not that stupid and without my "always right" dear friend Ashley to back me up, I know I'd get flustered and lose anyway..

BUT!!

This morning on my way to work, I saw a man with his son, walking towards the tube station. In true "Son & dad" manner, the dad being cool, had his sweater over his back with the arms draped round his neck and I could see the label.

The label was this...

Yes, next time I am in Tesco, I can pick up a Tesco Finest Soft cheese & salmon Terrine lunch selection and a sweater at the same time...

Every little helps!.........................................yeah right!

Ewww my PC must be broken

My spell checker didn't have the word "Prada" in its dictionary.

"IT SUPPORT!, i need a new pc!"


oh shit, i am IT support


bugger