BA, The World's favourite airline...

.........but not fucking today it aint!

I just checked my online booking for my flight to LA in May and i have been MOVED from the upper to the lower deck. I would not have been told and the mere fact i am a ba.com anorak is the only reason i noticed it!

I bet they have done this because i'm on a fully restricted ticket so they knew i couldn't just cancel it in disgust!

How fucking rude!!

NOT happy!

DO NOT pull that knob when approaching a dark tunnel

So this morning, I got up early for a change to go to the gym, get down to the Jubilee line platform to find a melee of bemused passengers staring at a train which is half in & half out of the station. Apparently a "lady was taken ill" on the train so as you would, in the middle of the rush hour, wait till the tube just starts to move, THEN pull the alarm handle!.

Fortunately, I was way early and had time to watch all the other caring passenger muttering "selfish cow, why did she have to be ill on MY train" etc etc..

Then just to add insult, the station manager came on the PA system to remind everyone that in the event of this happening to any of us, we should wait till the train in at the next station and not hold up everything by "pulling it in a tunnel".. how rude!

I hate the BBC

... and just to clarify, i don't mean that last bastion of British broadcasting... i mean the Bulgarian Blonde Cunt that sat behind me on my flight home.

There was only 4 of us "up the front" and for some reason all on one side of the plane (Tourette, one single fat or tilting plane joke will see your house burn down).. and this couple were in row 2 behind me. He was a very wealthy british man and she a very beautiful Bulgarian woman. She had attitude written all over her, but her but i forgave it as she had fabulous Jimmy Choos and a fur coat that would have made Jodie Marsh choke on her own tongue.

So we're airborne and i am about to recline my seat, and i think to myself, hmm this might annoy her so i'll move to the other side of the aisle so as not to inconvenience her. I stand up, she looks at me so i smile and say "I'll just move over here so i don't recline into you"

She screws her face up and in her best Zza Zza says "I'm not movink! - you can move if you like but i'm not movink!" and preceeds to glare at me.

I thought you miserable bitch. I should have just sat back down and reclined into those fake rum babbas for the whole flight. I'd even have managed to eat soup laying down just to piss her off, the mood she put me in.

However i gracefull bit my lip in the way that one does when you think "Christ to explain this will only make her worse"... and proceeded to spend the whole of the flight catching her glare at me out of the corner of my eye.

Misunderstaning?.. perhaps, but HOW RUDE!

Airline Lounges of the World :- Part 1

I am in Bulgaria at the moment. In the "Sofia" lounge at the airport which is their equivalent of a business class lounge. Taking Bulgaria aside for a moment, as thats a whole chapter on its own, i think i am going to start a report on all the lounges i ever visit as some of them need to be seen to be believed.

This one is a bit like a school canteen in style & layout but to be fair they are building a whole new airport at the moment so we'll see.

There is enough drink in this self service bar to kill everyone who has ever attended the Betty Ford clinic, although some peasant just put 2 lumps of ice in his red wine!.. yes thats 2 less to go in my 50/50 Bombay Saphire & tonic... How rude!!!

Buggering DVD!

Ok so I come home yesterday to a rather sheepish looking housemate who says "The DVD player is broken".. then proceeds to pack for a business trip and vacate to Amsterdam.

This is no regular DVD Player.. its some very complex american 300 disc carousel player which I clearly decide is fair game for me to repair myself. Those of you who know me well will already be holding their face in their hands, gently shaking from side to side muttering "no....no.....no!" - Last time I replaced the kitchen light switch, upon restoration of the mains, it blew off the wall across the kitchen... oops

After undoing all 437 screws, I get the lid off, remove "Man Rammer!" or whatever the gratuitous porn that he'd jammed it with! (why are porn DVD's thicker than normal ones?) and proceeded to try and re-attach the disc selection arm...

"SNAP!"

I stumble up to bed muttering obscenities at 3am with all 40,000 parts dis-assembled on the lounge floor..

Now what am I going to do....

Sulk....

Honey, Brown is over...

Ok, so all this week i am on a training course for Microsoft SQL Server... its so dull, i am having to nip myself to stay awake...

It appears that everything today is brown...

The desk, the Starbucks, the tutor (don't get me started on brown glasses, brown hair, borwn beard, brown cardigan, brown trousers, brown shoes etc)..

but the last straw came when in a moment of abject seriousness, he put a slide on the screen which in point 100 sized letters read

"Microsoft SQL 2000 backups, also referred to as CREATING A DUMP"

I blankly started into his eyes whilst, nipping my inner thigh and biting down on my lip to prevent the largest guffaw ever knocking him square in the face"

Are you serious Microsoft??

I can't be expected to tell my manager that i will be creating dump later in the afternoon when everyone has "logged" out of the network!!..

Good lord!

Can it be THAT long?

No not THAT!..rude people - tut

I seem to have been neglecting to enthrall you all with my banter for the longest time... I aim to make amends..

StarBuck$ customer service

Ok, so its the new year

Ok so like the rest of the population i should be on a detox or a diet

Ok perhaps a full-fat vanilla latte and muffin is not the wisest choice for late breakfast

And yes perhaps my own guilt made me ask for the two items somewhat more quietly than normal but did i really need the assistant to bellow at full volume "SORRY DID YOU SAY THE GOLDEN SYRUP MUFFIN?" in a tone that implied "Hey, the fat b*stard here hardly needs a muffin, eh guys?"

Jeez!.. i almost didn't enjoy it!

Personal Reflection....

As i write this at 30,000 feet on my way back to London, i realise, i'm not really sure how to start this BLOG. The last week or so has been euphoric & tragic all in the space of a few days. Having decided that I would spend Christmas in Scotland, It was a nice break I was looking forward as well, and with direct flights to Inverness fast approaching £420, I decided to fly from City Airport to Edinburgh, stay with an adorable friend who I hadn’t seen for years then we would drive the rest of the way. Not only was it a £300 saving but I really wanted to see this guy again after so long.

So LCY-EDI as its known airline wise was a good service. Arrived on-time & caught a cab into the heart of Edinburgh. Not only was my friend pleased to see me, but I was soon to discover there were unfinished issues between us from many years previous. Needless to say, the next 24 hours were amazing and I felt very comfortable being there with him.

Our drive the next day was pleasant. Nice BMW coupe, clear roads; that certain glint in both our eyes. I arrived in my home town & started to unpack.

My mobile rang. It was Jerry from Vancouver. I could tell something was wrong from the tone of his voice. With little or no warning (Jerry was always a ‘to the point’ Sort of guy)

“I am afraid Phil was one of the pilots in the helicopter crash on Wednesday – He is dead.”

Just like that, I felt my stomach tighten. I had to tell Jerry I would call him back. I hung up & I went onto the internet. Sure enough on the BBC Scotland news pages was the story in all its glory, complete with video & eye witness accounts.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/4555386.stm

Christmas was a nice experience with my family. Although this horrid incident barely left my thoughts for even an hour, I guess we carry on….

To think after so many years, after so much discussion, after a phone call in which much was disclosed, after a promise to meet in the new year…. All over….

I will miss you Philip ward….. Always…….

Life's lessons - #284

Its not often that I am bored... This is probably a good thing as I tend to "do" things..

Today's lesson and note-to-self is..

Do not "play" with Veet - especially without reading the directions first
Do not "play" with Veet - and assume you know better about how long to use it for
Do not "play" with Veet - ignoring the bold instruction about where NOT to put it!!

basically

Do not "play" with Veet!! Full Stop!

The smell of cumming

Yes I thought that may have got your attention you bunch of sick-os

I was, of course referring to the new fragrance and range of skincare products from that rather cheeky Scottish chappie, Alan Cumming. No, its not a joke. Have a look at http://www.cummingthefragrance.com/ if you don't believe me.

I particularly like the advert. Never has "Sebastian" looked less alluring but its a brave step to take. It certainly tops old Ruud Van Nistelrooy's "Ruud underwear"


I'm off to order "cumming in a bar".. well its a first for me.... using a cake bar of soap I mean.. god you people!!!

see!?

Job done... the bitch is back

Ok.. having been involved in a major project at work which seemed to afford me about 7 hours sleep in the last 2 months, the entity formerly known as "Next time I have a good idea to the partners of the firm, i'll keep my trap shut" is now drawing to a close, I have my life back.

It would seem both my readers missed me (ahem!). SO what's happened in my absence...

well it would seem...

1. my ex has a new b/f (well someone had to be first)
2. my cleaner still thinks that ALL garments regardless of fabric must be ironed on the "cleaning" setting of the iron - that's the one AFTER scortching
3. I have joined Orange and dumped Voda-fat-chance-of-making-this-call-buddy
4. I'm going home to Scotland for Christmas

Ho hum...

Things that annoy me: Volume 28

I know this is rather boring but why don't people ever peel off the thin plastic film that is used to protect electronic gadgets during shipping?

There was a guy on the tube this morning flashing off his new Motorola Razr and when he flipped it open there was still the film on the screen, looking all dog-eared & cloudy.. Wot a knob!

I feel i have an compulsion of almost "Monica Geller" proportions to remove said film from EVERYTHING i come near.

SO get a grip!.. its only a short stop from that to having polythene on all your furniture!!.. mmm classy ;-)

Too much sex can kill!

...So, there i am laying by the pool, listening to my iPod, when i saw a blatant sexual act, not 3 feet from me!..

Two dragon flies decided to get jiggy with it in mid air above the pool.. Clearly she was easy as she just flew upside down while getting her 5 second rogering... and in the true nature of men, once he emptied, he just flew off leaving the poor cow so exhausted she just fell into the swimming pool and lay there in the water, upside down.

Now despite having just sprayed myself with Clarins factor 15, i could just watch this helpless damsel in distress so of course just HAD to get in there are rescue her..

I left her sunbathing next to me while i carried on reading.. Can you believe it, the bitch just dried off, hovered and flew away.. not so much as a thank you..

bloody women! - all the same

I sometimes wonder why i bother...

....so on this lovely short break to the Canaries, and taking aside the fact that all my family bar myself & my mother seemed to be struck down with one form of illness or another, it really struck me how much of a snob i am..

I mean is it too much to ask when you go out to eat a nice dinner that the "restaurant" is not just some graveyard where all cheap plastic garden furniture goes to die!??.. too much to hope that there won't be a TV on a shelf and too much to expect not to find a nasty vertical fridge with packaged frozen deserts going round & round like cheap capodemonti!.. and to think i'd bothered to dress in Zegna!

The bitch is back...

Oh how I have missed being here... Yes the warm sun and endless lazing in it were fine. The fact I came back like the colour of the love child of David Dickenson & Judith Chalmers is a slight blessing given that I think I was Blue, let alone pale, before I left.

However i'm so glad i'm back...

More blog-ettes as they come to me during reflection...

Now i'm back at work, it SO gets in the way of my creative juices... pfft!

Mind the gap! "between your ears!"

What part of "allow the passengers off the train first please" are you having trouble with you thick selfish morons? hmmm?

Is English your 2nd, 3rd or 9th Language?

Does "We can't actually get off while you are ramming your pram onto the carriage like its the last train out of hell!" resonate anywhere in that skull?

hmmm?

hmmmmmmm?

Now look, i've spilled my latte...

Chip & Pin

as in... you have a huge CHIP on your shoulder missy and I want to stick a PIN in your head!

This morning, in my usual meander to work via Starbucks (the new xmas seasonal menu is up so its egg-nog & gingerbread latte's galore!), I was pleased to see no queue.. In fact only one young woman in front of me.. OH what a false sence of security...

• She wanted to pay for a £1.85 coffee with Visa
• Didn't know her pin
• Wanted to know the calorific value of her skinny, soya, sugar free and probably by that point TASTE-free coffee so the manager was called to get his flipchart out!
• Then 7 minutes later!!!!!!! she went to the condiment bar behind her and added cinnamon, nutmeg, coco powder, chocolate sprinkles and SUGAR!!

She was THIS close to a "yer-but-no-but-yer-but" smack in the kisser!

SoI say to her and all the other dithering "Oh i'll just stop IN the ticket gate and have a rummage around for my Oyster card, now where is it.. must be in here somewhere, oh there's that lipstick I lost last year..." bitches..

• Have what you need before you get there
• Know your bloody pin number
• Perhaps carry ... oh dunno £2 in CASH!!

OH!,,,Now look.. my panini has gone cold

"Balls! Mr Bennet"

Ok this morning at my tube station I saw a pair of bollocks collecting money

...or rather I saw an attractive pair of male legs with a testicle costume from the waist up.

Whilst I completely support the testicular cancer charity and their ingenious methods of raising funds; i'm not sure if I was more disturbed at liking the great pair of legs from the waist down, or fear at the giant set of hairy nads with a big smiley face on the top half.

Needless to say I emptied my wallet into his bucket (Tourette - don't even go there!), more in awe of the underlying human's bravery, than the clever, if rather scary fundraising concept.

I can now rest easy knowing that seeing a huge pair of hairy balls on the underground is ticked off my list of "things to see before I die"

Today i have a headache

I also have 1 nerve left and whoever stands on it is gonna get a kick in the C@nt.....