Half naked wench!

How fuckin rude

There we are, sitting in BRB, having a pizza and cold drink, trying to cool down and get some respite from the million degree temperature outside and some emaciated bitch, wearing little more than 2 cotton threads and a flip flop walks in and at the top of her voice goes

"ewwwww its so cold in here!!... "

well fuck off outside then luv!!

cheek of it..

What would you think...

...if 2 gay men went into a shop and bought only a cucumber (the one with the knobbly bits on it) and walked out??


Just as i thought, you bunch of perverts!

I was with my new man* and we were at a BBQ this weekend and had forgotten the one ingredient needed for perfect Pimms!..


Tut!


* more detail on him only if he survives ;-)

Seen it all now....

Ok there comes a time, when you think you may have seen everything in human behaviour but on Sunday night, chop sticks were frozen in mid air, jaws were dropped and breathing ceased for what seemed like 10 minutes

So, ok granted i was in The Dorchester's China Tang and one would expect a certain type of person to frequent such a restaurant but get this. :-

Couple arrives and i see out of the corner of my eye, a manager brining over a high-chair to them. Just as i'm about to tut internally about the merits of taking babies to chinese restaurants, i notice there is no baby... The woman actually ordered a high chair to put her GUCCI BAG in. Perish the thought the bag was placed on the floor!.. i mean we're talking a Dorchester carpet here, not some piss soaked alley behind Tottenham Court Road...

ah well.. takes all sorts i guess...

American toilets - Part 2

I have a new found appreciation for the old British Armitage shanks.

You pull the flush and a few seconds later, all is gone.. all is well...


So why is this not the case with the american toilet ? Why indeed when you pull the chain does it have to turn into a cyclone and swirl everything around like a floor show!?

God if wanted to see poop soup, i'd pay to join a select website!

End OF!

American toilets - Part 1

Ok why do they have such tiny cubicles? (they call them stalls but i can't see anyone wanting to buy a cauliflower from inside on of THOSE!)..

The cubicles are so high off the ground you can see the person inside's KNEES! and so low from the ceiling you can see their expressionless botoxed forehead.

As if that wasn't bad enough there are gaps between all the doors, walls and hinges that you could get a whole toilet roll through..

No wonder they think we tourists are all full of shit.. who could GO in one of them?

ewww!

Airline Lounges of the World :- Part 2

There really is something to be said for being lucky enough ( i say lucky coz i sure aint' rich enough) to fly longhaul First Class.

My recent trip to JFK was something of a revalation as i wasn't actually sure what differences to expect from a First lounge compared to a Business terrace lounge but the differences were subtle yet striking...

First obvious thing is the silence. Granted there are potentially only 20 people in there compared to the 400,000 in the Club lounge but its such a place of serenity. The Concorde Rooms in T4 & JFK T7 are a total oasis.. Waiter service to your couch with pretty much anything you could ask for - i refrained from asking for dairylee on crackers in case the humour wasn't appreciated and settled for a bacon sandwich on the outbound leg of the journey so as not to spoil the inevitable banquet on board

All that rubbish about BA staff being rude was hugely unfounded. No one could have been more helpful and polite. I even had my postcards taken, stamps put on them for me and posted! - whether they arrive or not is clearly a different issue..

The T7 lounge at JFK looked like Philippe stark had gone to town on it. Amazing muted colours, curtains, linen etc, all wasted on me as i troughed down a "pre boarding" dinner, before rendering myself barely able to walk on gin & tonics prior to stepping on board the flight home

sigh.... i wonder when it may ever happen again...

New York, New York, so good they named it.... ok I'm bored already

Well now, what an incredible 5 days away in the big apple..

The highs....

• Flying BA First Class both ways
• Spending quality time with great friends
• Eating & drinking amazing food, wine, cocktails & bubbly
• Shopping to the point my case may kill someone if it falls on them

The lows...

• Drinking way too much on the flight out and being poured off at JFK
• Losing my LV wallet in a cab*
• Schlepping the entire length of Madison Avenue in new shoes!

The further highs..

• *Having my lost wallet returned to me (how nice are New York cabbies)
• Having a foot massage in the Molton Brown First lounge to undo the aforementioned new shoe horror

So as I sit in the 1st class Concorde Lounge in JFK, having just had 3 course dinner, a foot massage and sipping a large Bombay sapphire & tonic awaiting boarding, I am actually looking forward to coming home :-)

... oh how I could get used to this

BA, The World's favourite airline...

.........but not fucking today it aint!

I just checked my online booking for my flight to LA in May and i have been MOVED from the upper to the lower deck. I would not have been told and the mere fact i am a ba.com anorak is the only reason i noticed it!

I bet they have done this because i'm on a fully restricted ticket so they knew i couldn't just cancel it in disgust!

How fucking rude!!

NOT happy!

DO NOT pull that knob when approaching a dark tunnel

So this morning, I got up early for a change to go to the gym, get down to the Jubilee line platform to find a melee of bemused passengers staring at a train which is half in & half out of the station. Apparently a "lady was taken ill" on the train so as you would, in the middle of the rush hour, wait till the tube just starts to move, THEN pull the alarm handle!.

Fortunately, I was way early and had time to watch all the other caring passenger muttering "selfish cow, why did she have to be ill on MY train" etc etc..

Then just to add insult, the station manager came on the PA system to remind everyone that in the event of this happening to any of us, we should wait till the train in at the next station and not hold up everything by "pulling it in a tunnel".. how rude!

I hate the BBC

... and just to clarify, i don't mean that last bastion of British broadcasting... i mean the Bulgarian Blonde Cunt that sat behind me on my flight home.

There was only 4 of us "up the front" and for some reason all on one side of the plane (Tourette, one single fat or tilting plane joke will see your house burn down).. and this couple were in row 2 behind me. He was a very wealthy british man and she a very beautiful Bulgarian woman. She had attitude written all over her, but her but i forgave it as she had fabulous Jimmy Choos and a fur coat that would have made Jodie Marsh choke on her own tongue.

So we're airborne and i am about to recline my seat, and i think to myself, hmm this might annoy her so i'll move to the other side of the aisle so as not to inconvenience her. I stand up, she looks at me so i smile and say "I'll just move over here so i don't recline into you"

She screws her face up and in her best Zza Zza says "I'm not movink! - you can move if you like but i'm not movink!" and preceeds to glare at me.

I thought you miserable bitch. I should have just sat back down and reclined into those fake rum babbas for the whole flight. I'd even have managed to eat soup laying down just to piss her off, the mood she put me in.

However i gracefull bit my lip in the way that one does when you think "Christ to explain this will only make her worse"... and proceeded to spend the whole of the flight catching her glare at me out of the corner of my eye.

Misunderstaning?.. perhaps, but HOW RUDE!

Airline Lounges of the World :- Part 1

I am in Bulgaria at the moment. In the "Sofia" lounge at the airport which is their equivalent of a business class lounge. Taking Bulgaria aside for a moment, as thats a whole chapter on its own, i think i am going to start a report on all the lounges i ever visit as some of them need to be seen to be believed.

This one is a bit like a school canteen in style & layout but to be fair they are building a whole new airport at the moment so we'll see.

There is enough drink in this self service bar to kill everyone who has ever attended the Betty Ford clinic, although some peasant just put 2 lumps of ice in his red wine!.. yes thats 2 less to go in my 50/50 Bombay Saphire & tonic... How rude!!!

Buggering DVD!

Ok so I come home yesterday to a rather sheepish looking housemate who says "The DVD player is broken".. then proceeds to pack for a business trip and vacate to Amsterdam.

This is no regular DVD Player.. its some very complex american 300 disc carousel player which I clearly decide is fair game for me to repair myself. Those of you who know me well will already be holding their face in their hands, gently shaking from side to side muttering "no....no.....no!" - Last time I replaced the kitchen light switch, upon restoration of the mains, it blew off the wall across the kitchen... oops

After undoing all 437 screws, I get the lid off, remove "Man Rammer!" or whatever the gratuitous porn that he'd jammed it with! (why are porn DVD's thicker than normal ones?) and proceeded to try and re-attach the disc selection arm...

"SNAP!"

I stumble up to bed muttering obscenities at 3am with all 40,000 parts dis-assembled on the lounge floor..

Now what am I going to do....

Sulk....

Honey, Brown is over...

Ok, so all this week i am on a training course for Microsoft SQL Server... its so dull, i am having to nip myself to stay awake...

It appears that everything today is brown...

The desk, the Starbucks, the tutor (don't get me started on brown glasses, brown hair, borwn beard, brown cardigan, brown trousers, brown shoes etc)..

but the last straw came when in a moment of abject seriousness, he put a slide on the screen which in point 100 sized letters read

"Microsoft SQL 2000 backups, also referred to as CREATING A DUMP"

I blankly started into his eyes whilst, nipping my inner thigh and biting down on my lip to prevent the largest guffaw ever knocking him square in the face"

Are you serious Microsoft??

I can't be expected to tell my manager that i will be creating dump later in the afternoon when everyone has "logged" out of the network!!..

Good lord!

Can it be THAT long?

No not THAT!..rude people - tut

I seem to have been neglecting to enthrall you all with my banter for the longest time... I aim to make amends..

StarBuck$ customer service

Ok, so its the new year

Ok so like the rest of the population i should be on a detox or a diet

Ok perhaps a full-fat vanilla latte and muffin is not the wisest choice for late breakfast

And yes perhaps my own guilt made me ask for the two items somewhat more quietly than normal but did i really need the assistant to bellow at full volume "SORRY DID YOU SAY THE GOLDEN SYRUP MUFFIN?" in a tone that implied "Hey, the fat b*stard here hardly needs a muffin, eh guys?"

Jeez!.. i almost didn't enjoy it!

Personal Reflection....

As i write this at 30,000 feet on my way back to London, i realise, i'm not really sure how to start this BLOG. The last week or so has been euphoric & tragic all in the space of a few days. Having decided that I would spend Christmas in Scotland, It was a nice break I was looking forward as well, and with direct flights to Inverness fast approaching £420, I decided to fly from City Airport to Edinburgh, stay with an adorable friend who I hadn’t seen for years then we would drive the rest of the way. Not only was it a £300 saving but I really wanted to see this guy again after so long.

So LCY-EDI as its known airline wise was a good service. Arrived on-time & caught a cab into the heart of Edinburgh. Not only was my friend pleased to see me, but I was soon to discover there were unfinished issues between us from many years previous. Needless to say, the next 24 hours were amazing and I felt very comfortable being there with him.

Our drive the next day was pleasant. Nice BMW coupe, clear roads; that certain glint in both our eyes. I arrived in my home town & started to unpack.

My mobile rang. It was Jerry from Vancouver. I could tell something was wrong from the tone of his voice. With little or no warning (Jerry was always a ‘to the point’ Sort of guy)

“I am afraid Phil was one of the pilots in the helicopter crash on Wednesday – He is dead.”

Just like that, I felt my stomach tighten. I had to tell Jerry I would call him back. I hung up & I went onto the internet. Sure enough on the BBC Scotland news pages was the story in all its glory, complete with video & eye witness accounts.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/4555386.stm

Christmas was a nice experience with my family. Although this horrid incident barely left my thoughts for even an hour, I guess we carry on….

To think after so many years, after so much discussion, after a phone call in which much was disclosed, after a promise to meet in the new year…. All over….

I will miss you Philip ward….. Always…….

Life's lessons - #284

Its not often that I am bored... This is probably a good thing as I tend to "do" things..

Today's lesson and note-to-self is..

Do not "play" with Veet - especially without reading the directions first
Do not "play" with Veet - and assume you know better about how long to use it for
Do not "play" with Veet - ignoring the bold instruction about where NOT to put it!!

basically

Do not "play" with Veet!! Full Stop!

The smell of cumming

Yes I thought that may have got your attention you bunch of sick-os

I was, of course referring to the new fragrance and range of skincare products from that rather cheeky Scottish chappie, Alan Cumming. No, its not a joke. Have a look at http://www.cummingthefragrance.com/ if you don't believe me.

I particularly like the advert. Never has "Sebastian" looked less alluring but its a brave step to take. It certainly tops old Ruud Van Nistelrooy's "Ruud underwear"


I'm off to order "cumming in a bar".. well its a first for me.... using a cake bar of soap I mean.. god you people!!!

see!?

Job done... the bitch is back

Ok.. having been involved in a major project at work which seemed to afford me about 7 hours sleep in the last 2 months, the entity formerly known as "Next time I have a good idea to the partners of the firm, i'll keep my trap shut" is now drawing to a close, I have my life back.

It would seem both my readers missed me (ahem!). SO what's happened in my absence...

well it would seem...

1. my ex has a new b/f (well someone had to be first)
2. my cleaner still thinks that ALL garments regardless of fabric must be ironed on the "cleaning" setting of the iron - that's the one AFTER scortching
3. I have joined Orange and dumped Voda-fat-chance-of-making-this-call-buddy
4. I'm going home to Scotland for Christmas

Ho hum...

Things that annoy me: Volume 28

I know this is rather boring but why don't people ever peel off the thin plastic film that is used to protect electronic gadgets during shipping?

There was a guy on the tube this morning flashing off his new Motorola Razr and when he flipped it open there was still the film on the screen, looking all dog-eared & cloudy.. Wot a knob!

I feel i have an compulsion of almost "Monica Geller" proportions to remove said film from EVERYTHING i come near.

SO get a grip!.. its only a short stop from that to having polythene on all your furniture!!.. mmm classy ;-)